Another Moment

Gone … move on!

xenos — Sun, 09 May 2010 17:57:33 +0000

Things changed quite a lot lately and all those changes are based in past. Things I state in first paragraph of For a moment the moment had no future … post are mainly gone …

1. Every time I look at the clock I see same numbers – 09:09, 11:11, 14:14, 17:17, 21:21 etc..

They say when you see same numbers it means that somebody is thinking of you. Well, I was seeing those numbers for more than 2 years, until few days ago when it stopped. The odd thing is that whenever I saw those numbers, my friend (I guess ex friend now, the girl I secretly love) called me, to meed with her, to see each other or just to talk . Now I don’t see numbers anymore and she calls me no more …

2. When I take the bus home, I see this girl, when I walk in the street downtown I see her walking the same street, when I look at the car I see her sitting inside – and she is real.

Haven’t seen her for a long time, who knows, maybe she moved away . I had a many dreams of an unknown girl, who loved me and I loved her,I felt her but never saw the face – maybe she was that girl but I couldn’t approach her because I was mainly blind and could only see the girl I loved (without anyone knowing). I guess I’ll never know now. I just hope she’s fine because she seemed really nice.

3. I’ve been also having same dreams few times in a row, even three times in one night and the dream is always about arguing with a girl I secretly love.

This girl, my friend, the girl I love, was also my travel companion on a trip. We had big argues, she apologized, I apologized, I accepted her apology but who knows if she accepted mine. It’s odd that argue in a dream had same feelings than in real, it’s odd that base cause for failure in our friendship is same as it was in my dreams, it’s odd that same persons are involved and it’s odd that after the cut-off of the connection between us has made me feel completely same as in my dreams.

Kinda hard to say that sometimes we just know things before they happen. It might be that my subconscious caused all these things to go as they went, because I thought I’ve seen the future and was expecting it but all that actually happened might be caused by me … Somebody also told me that we see things in a way we want to see them … might be that also.

Whatever it is … I guess it’s time to move on and look at the world in completely new way!

Hmm …

xenos — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 19:46:02 +0000

As I stated in previous post, it seems like I lost a friend. It’s true that she apologized to me for being as she was; however I feel that things aren’t the same as they were. Now, when I need somebody to be here for me and just to hear me saying out-loud what bothers me … there is nobody around … . I need it only few times in my life and even then I’m left in need …

Get to know …

xenos — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 12:26:48 +0000

It’s interesting how you think you know a person and nothing can surprise you. Well there comes a time when you figure out you were so wrong … so damn wrong. Even if you know somebody for few years you still get to know a bit more of that person every day in different situations. Best situation to really get to know somebody is to be with them 24h for few days – take a trip with them for example. When you come back from a trip you either have really good friend or you lost a friend. Well I lost one …

Huh?

xenos — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 21:15:13 +0000

To be honest I do not know why am I writing this post at all but I need to keep myself busy somehow while I wait her to call me. If I don’t do this it will drive me out of my mind even more …

Well this is the situation … I’m waiting her call, she said she’ll call me in an hour, but now it’s way over that hour. That wouldn’t be such problem if she wasn’t somewhere out on a drink with somebody (I’m quite sure it’s male) and didn’t want to tell me who that was. Don’t get me wrong – she ain’t my girlfriend and even if she was I wouldn’t have right to tell her what she can or can’t do. It’s just that I’m in love … I love her so badly and I never told her that – yet. Damn it I’m so lost in this shit … fuck it … I need a smoke … out!

What we say isn’t always what we think …

xenos — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 21:55:38 +0000

We, human animals, might think of selves as high evolved beings – at least when it comes to brain. But we have this big design fuck up concerning tongue-brain connection. Few of these fuck ups are:

we think one thing but say totally different thing
we say it before we think of it
we think of it and can’t say it
we think of it and directly say it

Well these fuck ups cost me most of the time when they occur … they cost me of my social life, they cost me of people I care for and of a person I love.

Mother nature you still have some work to do!

Lucid dreaming – status

xenos — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 20:55:34 +0000

Lucid dreaming is in progress. Every morning when I wake up I know I had dreams, but I don’t know what were they about.
Is that step 1? Knowing that you don’t know …

Lucid dreaming … hmm …

xenos — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 19:39:17 +0000

I found this how-to article about lucid dreaming at Stepcase Lifehack and I think I will give it a try. I’ll post what’s my progress …

P.S.: Sometimes dream is the closest we will ever get to our goal …

She’s using me …

xenos — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 20:58:48 +0000

I don’t fucking understand it … I make suggestions what we could do together and she just rejects them. That’s not the worst part of it – if it was only that I’d be “OK, she hates it.”. The worst is that she uses my suggestions and makes them real with her current boyfriend … . Come on!!! I wanna share the world with you and you just take it from me and share with somebody else … .Fucking shit that is so lame and unfair. Women who the fuck can understand you???!!! There is a person who really loves you and you just don’t want that … “It’s to easy”. Fuck you! What the fuck do I have to do more to be good enough???

Dear diary

xenos — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 13:47:42 +0000

Dear diary ‘- or should I say “dear diary entry” … whatever, you’ll get the damn point.

Well lemme tell you how I feel right now. I feel alone, like there is nobody for me and what is eating me even more is that I don’t wanna feel alone or be alone! Damn it! Why are things so complicated??? Why I can’t just tell her that I love her?!!? Why is that so fucking hard? Why am I so afraid of letting her know of my feelings? Well, my first guess is that I’ll scare her away – maybe she just wants friendship. But what If she feels similar? What if she’s also afraid to tell me how she feels??? I wish I could know some things – I don’t ask much – I only want to know how she feels and I want her to know how I feel.

Now I’m stranded alone, expecting her calls, wondering where the hell is she and what’s she doing. I invest so much energy into her but I don’t get the feeling she gives me the same. She gives me feeling as she’s free bird and she likes being free bird – can’t blame her for that. I’m constantly afraid that she’s running into somebody’s else arms. Yeah, I’m fucking jealous!!! Damn it! I hate being jealous, I hate that I don’t feel that I can trust her, I hate when I don’t know what’s happening!!! I need to change … . Can I change? How to change? All this shit is eating me inside! I hate it!

I need to put my self in front of all other stuff sometimes!!!

Dear diary entry, thank you for taking a part of my shit … but didn’t help much … I still don’t know what to do … fuck it!

It’s so complicated …

xenos — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 21:47:09 +0000

Hours, days, weeks, months and years are passing by. It all passes by me in a pace I can’t match, all just getting further away from me. If I look closely at the moment I can see that I haven’t moved anywhere at all. All I can see is that I’m stuck in a love knot by loving a woman that will probably never be mine.

I just can’t help myself, I’m not able to stop loving her and sometimes I wish that I never met her – hoping that would be better for me – but then again I don’t really want that. Her acts keep shattering my spirit, even the tiniest bits get crushed over and over again. No matter all the pain, I do understand that’s the way she is and maybe the problems is that I don’t show her any bit of my pain. With all the pain I feel inside me, I still love her. I love being around her, I love looking at her bright smile, I love how expressive her eyes are and I love the energy she gives when we are alone. Oh, I love her so much!

But who am I to expect of having a woman like her? I can’t even tell her that I love her – so why would I deserve her? I’m so afraid of letting her know how I feel about her, I’m afraid it will be same as many times before – tell a woman how you feel and she starts distancing from you … she just wanted friendship. Oh, friendship … oh well, OK. I’ll act as her friend just to be close to her and with that I’ll torture myself – so close but not there. All that is left there for me is to push down all the pain and deal with it when I’m alone. Sometimes I “pray” for the rain so I can walk in the rain and cry without anyone noticing it.

On the other hand there is a woman who likes me, but I feel she’s afraid of telling me how she feels – just as I am in the other situation. I know it’s not fair towards her and I should change that. Maybe talking with her might open up things, maybe I’ll get out of this never-ending loop somehow …

Now all this shit is a strong proof there is no God, because I haven’t done anything to deserve all this! It can also be proof that reincarnation is real – I’m paying for “somebody’s” sins …